Thursday, July 29, 2004

Four bands too many

I'm in four bands.
Four bands.
None of them are "mine".
Three of them are bass guitar gigs.
Four of them let me play guitar on at least one song.
None of them are full time.
Three of them are on some kind of hiatus for the summer.
None of them are signed to a label, national, regional, or otherwise.
Three of them do at least one song that I've written.
Two of them have self-released CDs out.
One of them has actually sold more than 10 CDs.
Two of them have the same drummer.
One of them is strictly instrumental.
Two of them let me sing lead on at least one song.
Three of them have decent and regular rehearsal spots.
Two of them have members that are over fifty years old.
Three of them have members who I think drink too much.
One of them has a name that I think is too long.
Four of them have members that I love.
Four of them have at least one member that I think is insane.
Three of them do at least one cover of someone else's song.
Add all that up and I get 114.
That's just not enough.

Matte Finish

I saw you. I know you saw me, too, because you turned and walked in the opposite direction you were heading. I knew you were shallow, but I wasn't aware of just how small you could be. I made the mistake of thinking we were friends. My bad. Have a nice life.

Thursday, July 15, 2004

With a silky heart of dough

If it happens remember you heard it here first - Terrorist event, cancelled elections, Patriot act kicks in, Bush becomes dictator, Civil War, end of world. In that order. Remember where you heard it.
What can you say about a piece of shit, except where it works and what it does there and what kind of car she drives and where it lives and how much do I have to pay for this muffler and I forget what 8 was for but if the Devil is 6, then if 6 were 9, I'd be out back with the mutant kids from across the way laughing and poking sticks at them and generally making a damn fool out of myself.
Gravy right out of the package is good, don't get me wrong, all I'm saying is if you follow the instructions on the package and make up a fresh batch of gravy it tastes better and stays with you longer.
If it happens remember you heard it here first - Aliens land in Pittsburgh, demand coffee and corn dogs, turn out to be just like us except they can kill you by staring, Avoid Eye Contact becomes a national catch phrase, profit.

Tuesday, July 13, 2004

Leslie Uggums No More

Wheezie. Weezee. Weezy. Weasey. No matter how many times you spell it, it still comes up dead. Dead. DEAD! It is a smaller yet more roomy world with the recent loss of wide actress Isabel Sanfordandson, the inventor of Hot Tar for roofs. Weasels weep wet welts of tears, while women worry why we wear woven woolens weekdays. I don't care about such cars, so I walk to worm.
Noon time I like to have a grilled cheese and cola so I always go to a place that prepares and sells these items, which I eat and pay for, I'm no slouch! I like 'em toasty and crispy and melty and warmy and butterifickly bound, with no pickle thank you, unless you'd like the pickle in which case I'll have the pickle on the side please so I don't get any pickle juice on my plate, which the grilled cheese soaks up and then a good fifth of your sandwich is soggy and cool with the undistinguished flavor of pickle juice on it. Yuck, and ew. I like fries or chips too, and some ketchup.
So I want a grilled cheese sandwich now, and I have plain old white bread and some white American cheese and some butterific (it's like butter, but better) and a perfect pan and even some Pepsi to wash it down, so I'm gonna make some grilled cheese sandwiches now. Want one?